I've had a number of recent conversations with cis men in the industry who asked something along the lines of "What's the first thing I can do to be a better ally/accomplice/co-conspirator?"
Here's what I said:
When trying to be helpful, some folks get so wrapped up and worried that they will make a mistake that they become paralyzed and instead decide to do nothing, which is decidedly not helpful.
But if you realize that part of the process of doing this work from the perspective of a person in power means you will make mistakes, and that is normal, that can help the situation.
Obviously, this doesn’t absolve me or anyone else from educating ourselves and doing that work and just making mistakes all over everyone. But it is important to acknowledge that it is part of the process to keep from getting stuck.
So, what happens after you make a mistake?
You have to apologize.
One of the most important things you can do as an ally is learning to apologize well-- and here are some tips for how to do it:
1. Say you are sorry.
That’s pretty simple, right?
2. It’s not about you.
This is not the time to get defensive or emotional. There is no need for excuses, simply move onto step 3:
3. Thank them for telling you that you made a mistake.
This is key. It took emotional labor for them to have this conversation with you, above and beyond the harm caused by whatever you did wrong. And now they are giving you an opportunity to learn and grow. Thank them for that.
4. Commit to learning more and doing better.
Tell the person that you will educate yourself on the topic. They might offer to share ideas or resources, but if not, don’t push it. It is not their job to educate you and there is a 9000% chance a quick internet search can get you where you need to go.
Personally, it took me a WHILEEEEEE to learn to apologize well.
When you feel like you are a “good person” and you feel like someone tells you you are being a bad person, it’s very easy to get defensive. But it's helpful to realize that people are neither all good or all bad, and hopefully, we are working to do better.