If you’ve ever been in a music store (or listened to a gear podcast, or watched a Rig Rundown), you’ve probably overheard a conversation that goes something like this: two cis men will be talking to each other about gear, and one is trying to describe to the other a common way of doing something, “Most guys prefer to put their fuzz before their other drives” or “Most guys like to use a dynamic mic slightly off center” or “Most guys prefer roundwounds to flatwounds.”
A lot of people think that gender neutral language is an overreaction or “PC.” In reality, research shows that our language determines the way we think. So, for example, when we use a term like, “guys” to refer to a group of people, in our brains, it essentially erases the existence and importance of anyone else in the group. You wouldn’t want to do that, would you?
Me neither.
We’re going to get into some specifics around “most guys” and some, but not all, gender specific language. We’ll cover most guys, guys, dudes, and ladies. We’re going to save gender neutral pronouns and pronouns in general for another time, as with gender neutral job titles, and non-English usage. It really is a big topic! With that, let’s get into it!
MOST GUYS, GUYS, and DUDES
I have a physical reaction every time I hear “most guys”. It’s one of the few times it actually feels like my heart is sinking. It feels exceedingly insular and exclusive.
Why? At no point in our history has the singular “guy” actually been a gender neutral term in usage. So when someone says, “most guys,” it means either that the person saying it really doesn’t believe that anyone plays other than men OR if they do, they don’t think their opinion or what they do is valuable enough to mention it.
On the other hand, there HAS been a pretty significant chunk of the last 50 or so years when terms like “guys” or “dudes” (note, not “most dudes” which is a small, yet significant differentiation) have taken on gender neutral connotations for groups. These are terms that I have personally been trying to break from over the last 5-10 years and I really do realize it is hard to do. I still slip up more often than I’d like.
What have I used in their place? Well, I use “dude” or “dudes” only to refer to men. In the place where I previously would have said “Dude!” as an exclamation, like, “Dude! Check that out!” I just say something like “Whoa! Check that out!”
HEY LADIES
It’s probably in everyone’s best interest not to refer to a group of people as “girls*” or “ladies*.” “Girls” is a problem because this term is often used to refer to a group of adult women. While not everyone will agree with me on this, I assure you that enough will that I would highly recommend against it. I was recently in a meeting where an adult man referred to a group of adult women in the meeting as “girls” and then called everyone “guys” two seconds later. They were not happy about it. It can feel infantilizing, ESPECIALLY when the term is coming from someone who is younger than you are.
“Ladies” is a problem because throughout history there has been an expectation for women to be “ladylike,” which is something that many women have fought against.
I am also here to report that “Hey women” or “Hey females” likely won’t land much better.
A CAVEAT
While I stand behind most of my notes above, a caveat is that for some trans men and women, using gender specific language can feel affirming (as Amy mentioned in our conversation). However, if you don’t know the gender of the people you are talking to, and for the most part, it is ill-advised to assume it based on someone’s appearance, it’s best to default to a more gender neutral term.
In our recent interview, Amy Mill mentioned a situation where a waitress called the group of trans women at her table “ladies” and then fumbled over it immediately, possibly after realizing they weren’t all cis women (“uh, I mean, uh”). It’s possible that the waitress might have thought someone was non-binary. But the real problem is that she used “ladies” in the first place and then sort of “took it back” based on… something. If she has said, “hey there” or “okay! what do we think, everyone— dessert?” it wouldn’t have been an issue in the first place.
BETTER WAYS TO ADDRESS A GROUP
For addressing a large group, which I do a lot during trainings or when teaching, I use “everyone,” “team,” “people,” “crew,” “folks,” “friends,” or “buddies” depending on the setting and how well I know the group members. As someone who is not from the South, I feel weird saying “y’all,” but a lot of folks like that. I use “all” (as in “Hello all,”) in emails, though it often feels too formal to say out loud.
This language is also inclusive of non-binary, gender non-conforming, gender expansive folks or anyone else living outside the gender binary**. A win win!
BETTER WAYS TO ADDRESS A PERSON
Most of the language above transfers to individuals, as well. Instead of “girl,” “lady,” “miss,” “ma’am,” “mister,” or “sir” try “person,” “buddy,” “customer,” “hello there,” or simply “hello.” (In case you were wondering, a common gender neutral honorific for those formal occasions is “Mx.”— pronounced “mix”, though there are others).
Language changes and there are often disagreements about the “correct” language, even between members of the same group. It is highly likely that much of this will change, even within the next few years. So, we all need to get used to shifting our language.
But it’s likely that the specifics around gender neutral language will stick around, since it, almost inherently, uses pretty standard inclusive language, (like “everyone,”). Even if it might require a little bit of practice, if you want to create a welcoming space, it’s the right thing to do.
*there are times when these terms have been “reclaimed” such as in Riot Grrrl or Ladies Rock Camp, but those terms are fading out as well, for more gender inclusive terminology
**this is also why many Girls Rock Camps have changed their names